Blessed

a humble princess, pursued by the King, in the greatest fairy tale ever written

Lessons

on May 4, 2013

What do you do when your fairy tale ends prematurely? I met Alex lat summer at work, and it wasn’t too long before I considered him as a potential boyfriend. So when he asked me to supper, I said “yes.” I was so excited after our first date, he was more than anything I had ever imagined for myself. I remember talking to my parents and friends, and the next day a  co-worker texted me saying that whatever I’d done, Alex couldn’t stop smiling.

Iwas scared of being hurt so I tried to take things slow, but my emotions got the best of me and I fell hard for Alex. He’s so handsome, kind, and fun to be around, my parents loved him and so did my jealous friends. We got along great and had fun in whatever we did.

We dated for ten months and I met his family, went to some weddings, spent time with his friends, danced together, went to look at Kansas State one weekend as a potential grad school for me. He went riding a couple of times, and we talked about the future-marriage, where we’d live, kids, etc. I loved our relationship, I love Alex, and I adored the future in the picture he painted of us.

A couple of weeks ago, things seemed great to me, and Alex broke up with me out of the blue. I panicked and didn’t know what was happening. Later, I realized all the things I’d done. I’ve been so selfish and, at times, immature. While he took up my interests, I blew some of his interests off, and all I want is a chance to try again. I oftentimes insisted in doing whatever I wanted, claiming, “my life, my time.” I was rude at his family’s a couple of times, and now it’s too late to apologize. Alex wants nothing to do with me, he’s probably happier without me, and all I can think about is how much I regret the things I’ve done. I know it’s selfish of me to want him back, but I really love him and he’s become my closest friend.

I’m scared of what the future holds. I dream every night about the future we had talked about, and it’s ruining my life. I know I don’t deserve forgiveness our a second chance, but I can’t get past how truly sorry I am for the person I was. I’m changing, with God’s grace, and that has been an easy process because of how much I hate myself right now.

I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything, my time with Alex was the happiest of my life, and I’ll never settle for anything less, even if it means I’m single forever. I regret that I wasn’t a good enough girlfriend to him, but this pain I’m going through is something I deserve. I hope he’s happy and I hope someday he can forgive me. I pray a hundred times a day for a second chance, but I feel hopeless about that. If he forgives me someday, that will be more than I deserve.

This healing process is hard, every day has been worse than the day before, but I realize that I have to be humbled before God can work in me. And I know He can use me, He already has. I can share my experience and confess my regrets, and if I can prevent someone else from being selfish like me, then I’m helping the world. Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” I know right now is the pain, but, as a Christian, I have to believe the peace is coming later. As hard as it is, I have to accept that right now, there’s no Alex in my life. He has, however, showed me that I can be in a relationship with the man of my dreams. Right now he is, literally, the man of my dreams. If it were up to me, we’d be reunited someday soon. But it’s not up to me and it takes 2 people to make it work. I don’t think God would let me experience such a joyful, fun, serious relationship of I didn’t have that in my future. So I will be guarding my heart and my tongue as much as I can while I sit back and (theoretically) patiently wait for the man of my dreams to show up. And because of this experience, I know I will be a better person, and I’ll be better for him. I’ll learn new hobbies, and I’m already learning that people are the most important things in the world, so treat them right. I’m so grateful for my friends and family for helping me through this, and for God calming me down enough to get the things I need to get done each day.

Each relationship you make or break is a learning experience. I encourage all of you to be a better person before it’s too late, because this is hell on earth for me, and the only thing I can hold onto is God’s promises for a better future. I know someday I’ll look back on this and be grateful for the wake-up call and ability to see myself clearly and change my ways, I’m already grateful that I can change while I’m still young. I’ll always have this thought in the back of my mind though-what if I had changed before it was too late with Alex? That’s also a part of this life on earth…God can help us change and be better, he can allow us to feel forgiveness, but He doesn’t completely take away the memories or regrets. And why would He? This is something I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life, and my relationship with Alex and the wake-up call at its brutal end are both things that are making me a better person, better for the one I will spend my life with, whenever he shows up.

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