Blessed

a humble princess, pursued by the King, in the greatest fairy tale ever written

Insane Mood Swings & Loving Yourself Through It All

on May 8, 2013

Psalm 139 tells me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Who can take that away? Nobody can. But when you spend a week thinking about the things the man you’re in love with suddenly can’t stand about you, it can affect how you view yourself. And it looks like it will be a while before I’m fully myself again (although I did hit that point last night for a while, and it felt fantastic). 

I’m going through depression right now. It’s an ugly word used to describe an ugly situation. As a generally happy & joyful person, I’ve never had to deal with anything even remotely similar to this before. The mood swings are insane. It’s a bit terrifying, but all the adults in my life say this is perfectly normal and nobody seems as alarmed as I am about this. 

Every day I wake up crying because Alex isn’t here. Every day I remember new details about our relationship-how he called me his girlfriend after we’d only been on a handful of dates, how he was the one who suggested we make it Facebook official, that time earlier this spring when we were out with his friends and they were teasing us about when we would get married. 

And even though these are some of the most joyful, happy moments of my life (indeed, the time I was loved by him was the happiest time in my 22 years), the memories bring me intense, full body aching, and lots of tears (I cannot seem to control my body anymore). Because I think, “How does that go away? How can he be so in love with me, and just quit one day, with no warning?” 

So I pray and pray and read God’s Word. Then I go to work on campus and try to see as many people as possible to distract me. And eventually, I get content-around an hour after I start praying. (This is the discipline part). 

Then, after work, I try to see friends as much as possible. They listen to me and sympathize with me. Some of them mention how if Alex and I had a fight, he never ever let it go, and is that really what I want? And I counter with, “Everyone has flaws, I’m perfectly accepting of his.” They’re small flaws anyway, and he has 10,000 qualities I love to counter every flaw. 

So at some point during the day, after I get past the distraught stage, I hit acceptance. That’s where I’m like, “Okay. I didn’t break us up. I can’t control that. Alex doesn’t want to date right now. I can’t control that.” And at this point I try to be listening to Miranda Lambert because she knows. She just knows. 

And by the time I go to sleep at night, I’m better. The dreams have stopped. I don’t dream about that future I want so badly; I don’t dream at all. Last night was the first night I slept almost 8 hours since the breakup.

My goal today, in addition to another full night’s sleep, is to remember to eat lunch. My body has been reluctant to take in much food lately-another thing that scares me- but I try to at least eat supper with friends so I take in maybe 1,000 calories/day. Last week I averaged 400 calories/day and lost weight all over, so I’m hoping if I double that I can maintain said weight loss and still be healthy.

I’ve never felt less in control, what with my body not wanting food and how I sometimes cry for 20 minutes in the middle of the day for no reason. But I’ve been focusing on the things that are wonderful about me-including the things I’m fixing about my character. And I love myself more than anyone should ever love themselves-that part hasn’t changed during all this emotional turmoil. I mean, i can’t say that I love the situation I’m in, but I’m trying to make the most of it, to learn from this. And I know this probably won’t be the worst time in my life, even though it’s the worst time so far.

I can’t tell my friends how grateful I am for their love, every one of them, every day. I’ve never done anything to deserve so many supportive people to be surrounding me, and I’m a damn lucky girl. They’ve all been patient when I start crying in public, they’ve all been patient with me going over the situation ten times before I change the topic, and their love must reflect a part of me in some way, or I could never keep these girls & guys around. 

Enjoy the adventure, I know I am (the mood swing part-I’m already better from the time I started writing this). 

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