Blessed

a humble princess, pursued by the King, in the greatest fairy tale ever written

growth spurt

on June 2, 2013

What have I been doing the past several weeks? Praying. Reading Scripture. Digging deeply into Scripture and reading blogs, articles, commentaries, anything I could get my hands on. Rebuilding my relationship with Christ, my first love, which had been absent for a couple of years (because I was sinning and felt guilty and hid, just like Adam & Eve. But that’s another story for another day.)

 The first few weeks were difficult. Quite a roller coaster. And then last week happened. 

 I don’t know anybody who is as peaceful as I am right now, at this moment in time. And I haven’t even been drinking. Maybe it’s because I switched up the prayers. Ironically, I’ve been begging God all day every day to leave me alone and work in other people’s lives. (Okay, mostly one very specific person, but I do manage to throw in at least ten others every day as well.) And once I started really thinking about others, I can’t stop. We all know how big of a heart I have and how powerfully I love, but I never thought of it as my spiritual gift until recently. And now I know that it is. And I’m not sure how to apply it and serve others, but I’m getting better every day. 

I can’t say that I’ve ever repented before this-I’ve never thought I needed to “confess and turn my life around.” But this repenting business, it’s pretty sweet. I’m thinking about sinning some more just so I can go through this again. (Terrible joke, please laugh with me and realize that I have an Seoul sense of humor. But it’s my sense of humor, and it makes me chuckle, so I’m going to roll with it.)

 The thing about turning your life around is…it’s really awesome. Like, there aren’t any words to explain it. Do I still experience the pain every day? You bet your ass I do, for most of the day every day. I love Alex and I miss him nearly every second of every day, which is silly because I would have killed him if we actuality spent as much time together as the time I spend thinking about him (lovingly praying for him), that’s what love is. Do I still want to act in the situation and try to make it work out how I want it to? Duh…I’m human. Do I slip and fall and do crazy things occasionally? Duh…I’m still Shannon. 🙂

But I’m peaceful. Because I realize that by praying with all my heart and soul, I AM doing everything I can. But I’m not in control (that used to scare me, but then I thought about what it would be like if I WAS in control, and then I thought, “eh…better not.”) It’s up to Jesus to decide how to answer me. But I have a clean heart and conscience, and I know He’s coming through. I know because He’s completely changed my heart, and that didn’t take very long. I wasn’t even consciously praying for that (ahem…thank you to those that were even though I would never ask.) 

This clean conscience thing is awesome too. It started out something like this: “Heyyyyyy God….I know I haven’t talked to you in a long time, but I have this HUGE favor to ask…” and then it went like this, “so…uh yeah. You know what I’ve done and although I don’t regret it because I learned so many lessons, I realize it was wrong and I should probably ask for forgiveness and sit here until I feel cool about all of this…” and then it turned into this, “okay now that we’re past that, let’s discuss this incident, which I do regret…” which led to at least 101 incidents in the past year alone, which did bring tears of sorrow and pain, and then, out of the blue, a calm peace and a very strange acceptance of literally anything life throws my way.

Not that I’m asking for luge to throw a curve ball. I’m literally avoiding all of my favorite places in case Alex is there like that one time. But I’m hanging out with a bunch of people that love me for me and are completely supportive of all that I do, and that’s fun. 

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