a humble princess, pursued by the King, in the greatest fairy tale ever written

Men: Think About Your Words

on June 23, 2013

I thought about writing a book about it, but this seemed more feasible at this point in time.

Men: watch what you say to women. I know how you are when you’re in my age-group-most of you are very immature and only have one goal, and it’s a pathetic goal, at that. So you’ll say/do all the right things to get what you want, with no regard to a woman’s feelings. But if you had the capacity to understand the kind of emotional damage you can cause to us, maybe you would rethink things.  I’m sure those “little” lies start early, I just don’t have any examples from my own childhood. I do, however, have some more recent examples, as a young twenty-something.

First: If you’re not looking for a serious, potentially lifelong relationship, don’t tell a woman that you are.

Exhibit A: Friends with Benefits. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory-you’re going to be friends, with benefits. No “relationship,” no “I love you,” no “meeting the parents,” etc. Having been in some sort of a casual relationship in my own former life, I’m very grateful to that man for never leading me on-for never saying he loved me, for never taking me as a wedding date or anything like that. Because that would have given me the wrong impression. I don’t think I’ve ever directly told him “Thanks for being honest,” but I probably should. Because even though I do love him and I would have been interested in being more, when the situation ended, it wasn’t that hard on me, because I knew from the start that it wasn’t a serious “relationship.” (It really turned out to be more of a lesson than anything else)

Exhibit B: Alex told me on our first date that he was looking for said “serious relationship.” Scared the shit out of me, really. You have to remember-I was crazy about Alex before we started dating. I remember the very day I met Alex, and I remember hanging out outside of work before we were dating and how that feeling was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. So when he said he was looking to settle down (keep in mind-he was way better than anyone I had ever imagined for myself, better even than anyone I would have asked God for, and perfect on so many levels I hadn’t even considered-just overall way too good for me), I was scared that I would fall for him, get my hopes up, and then have some sort of a crash ending. That female intuition business-I probably should’ve listened. Instead, over the course of time, I began to fall for that fairy-tale ending he painted a picture of for me.

Anyway, he might have meant it-he’s really not given me any reason to think he’s dishonest. However, when it came down to it, he didn’t really work on the relationship at all. Yeah, we both made a few changes here and there, but he really effed up in the communication department a few times (the biggest mess-up being the breakup)-by not communicating his thoughts/feelings/etc (just to be clear, I’m not saying I didn’t mess up-I know I messed up because, somehow, he literally has no idea the 25,098 levels of adoration & love I have for him, and I definitely feel like a failure because of that.)

Getting back to the point, here’s what a woman like me hears when a guy says “I’m ready to settle down.” – “I’m ready to date exclusively, I’m ready to love someone-which I recognize will be difficult, at times, I’m ready to keep the relationship going through the ups AND the downs, and I will COMMUNICATE WITH YOU-not only the good things, but the bad things, too. We will stay together for a while and after we’ve made it through multiple ups and downs, I will talk to you about the future and we’ll see where we stand.”

Here’s what happened, in my situation (probably not all situations): we never went through any downs. I never got to experience what I thought was a serious relationship. However, my half of the relationship was very serious, and that inequality has caused me tremendous pain and confusion that I might not ever get over. (There’s plenty of songs about it, so I know I’m not the first one.)

Second: Don’t say “I love you” unless you mean it. Here’s what a girl like me hears when you tell her you love her: “I like you as a person and I want to be with you exclusively. You make me happy and I want to make you happy. I know there will be days where I don’t really “feel like I love you,” but I will do my best anyway because I know there are many more days when I feel like I’m “in love” with you. I will make reasonable compromises to make sure that you are happy, because you are very important to me. You will always be very important to me. I will be there for you during the ups and downs of life, you will always have a friend in me.”

At least, that’s what I mean when I tell all my mules/friends/family/boyfriends/near-strangers that I love them. It doesn’t go away. Ever. I have never loved someone in the past that I don’t still love today, and that I won’t still love on the day the bury me. Now to be fair, we all have different spiritual gifts, and it would appear that mine is in the love/forgiveness/friendship department, so I realize that love comes much easier for me than it does for some.

But the point is, in 99% of romantic relationships where the word “love” is used, it’s not used in the right context (okay I made that statistic up, but it can’t be very far off). Alex told me he loved me the morning he broke up with me, for example. Again, I’m not saying he lied, I’m just saying that he………..may use that word a bit differently than I do. Maybe he’s one of those people that says it to everyone and throws it around casually-I don’t know. But I save that word for only very special people in my life (there’s about 508 of them), and I mean it every time I say it or think it.

I just wanted to rant about those 2 things for now. Maybe I’ll do a series of blogs about communication/miscommunication. Maybe I should switch my area of academic study? (just kidding..but relationships & communication do intrigue me)


One response to “Men: Think About Your Words

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