a humble princess, pursued by the King, in the greatest fairy tale ever written

Let’s Talk About Sex (Outside of Marriage)

on July 17, 2013

At first, when I thought about writing this, I thought, “Nah. I’m too young.” After all, I’ll be sharing this on Facebook and many of my friends are older than I, not to mention that some are family. But then again, I’m old enough to have experience about what I’m talking about-which happens to be an issue that drives me crazy night and day-and also I thought about when Paul says “Do not let others look down on you because you are young, but set an example…” somewhere in the letters to Timothy.

Sex outside of marriage. A tricky subject indeed. So much so that even though I feel very passionately about this topic, I wanted to back down and not write about it,  and I’m essentially forcing myself to sit still long enough to do this. Plus there’s that whole bit about being judged…which I’m trying not to give a shit about. And I should probably mention that any bias is unintentional-I’m writing this based on what I feel, from a young woman’s standpoint, and having never been a man, I can’t really write about that. I did, however, find this blog, from a man’s perspective: To be honest, he pretty much sums it up so I would advise you to read his blog and skip mine….

First, I think it’s necessary to tell you that I absolutely believe that sex should be reserved for a marriage covenant ONLY. There are Christian, biblical cases for this, but I want to focus this particular blog in a more general setting. Second, I think it’s important to tell you that I’ve been down that road already-twice-with men to whom I’m clearly not married. Third, I think I should tell you how differently these relationships were, and how I came to feel the way I feel about it today.

The first sex relationship I had was pretty much exactly what I called it: “casual,” “friends with benefits.” I knew that I was doing the wrong thing by going into this (remember-I was legitimately “waiting for marriage”), but he said all the right things at the right time-not to mention there was obvious physical attraction-and it just sort of happened one night. I was 20, old enough to think I knew what I wanted. We were good friends, although I’d later find out that’s not how you treat good friends, and I fell hard and fast (into what happens to currently be the truest love I’ve ever felt for anyone.)

Which brings me to Point #1 about why I think sex outside of marriage is a bad idea: Females are wired to associate sex with love. When I was in high school, I learned that the hormone women release upon orgasm is the same level as when they give birth to their baby. Think about how powerful that is.

I remember how painful this whole experience was for me (and what a miracle it is that I’m over it now.) Here I was, madly in love with this man-so crazy about him that I compromised damn near every standard I ever had, and certainly the most important thing I ever had. And what did he feel? He tormented me. He’d not talk to me for days on end. He’d go out to the bars in search of “a good woman” and that drove me more insane than anything in my life ever has before or since. I hated that. When I’m in a relationship, I’m your only woman-no ifs, ands, or buts. But I was so crazy about him that I just took what I could get.

Which brings me to Point #2 about why sex outside of marriage is a bad idea: It causes women to lower their standards. Ladies, you have to admit it-when you’re all “in love” and such, you overlook the bad in a man/relationship/any situation. Which is why you can be convinced that it’s okay for a man to sleep with you until he finds something better (for example.) Let me tell you this: That’s not okay, and you are worth so much more than what you’re currently accepting from men. (I’m also working on a blog called “Women: Raise Your Standards” because I accept that it’s partially our responsibility for the lack of respectable men out there).

I can tell you that when I was sleeping with this man, we were both broken people. He had a broken heart, I developed a broken heart, etc. (Not to mention that I stopped being a Christian, stopped talking to God-all of it, and my grades started slipping, I had mood swings, and my friendships weren’t as tight as they should have been). And it took a very long time to get over it. Our relationship was roughly 9 months, and it was 6 months before I started making good progress, and probably closer to 10 months before I was completely over it. And I would say that we’re good friends now (again), but that was a long, hard road, and really all that proves is that time does heal.

If anyone did any quick calculations, yes, I started dating Alex before I was completely whole again. Actually, I should tell the whole truth, which is kind of neat. Several months after the “ending of my first serious love,” I had a chance to start up the experience again. Which I did-for a very short period of time-and then decided it wasn’t what I wanted anymore. Because I had met Alex in the meantime, and I felt that he was “the one” for me so powerfully that I completely turned my back from my first love. (That’s kind of a powerful feeling.)

But I wasn’t whole again. I was a lost, wandering soul you might say (this is how I define my life before I came to know Christ-and honestly, it’s something I see in a lot of people), and it didn’t take very long for Alex and I to get really serious, if you know what I mean. I’m ashamed to say…it was all me who led us down that path. Because I felt that he was “the one” for me so powerfully and I was like, “Why not? If we’re gonna be together, we might as well ‘be’ together…everyone else is doing it, that’s just how relationships progress.” There’s so much poor logic there…it’s making me sick to think about it. If we were going to be together forever, why didn’t I just wait?

Which leads me to Point #3 about why sex outside of marriage is a bad idea: That relationship ended, and it pretty much felt like my life was over. I gave everything I had to that man, loved him a way that shouldn’t even be allowed on this planet-especially without marriage vows involved. The first relationship I had was “casual sex” from the start, so even though it hurt, I knew the end was coming (I wish it would have ended sooner). With Alex, I could not have been more blindsided. In fact, I was telling one of my friends that very evening that I thought he’d be proposing sometime in 2013-we were “that serious.” The problem was-I was that serious, I gave Alex everything I had. He didn’t do the same for me. His history before me is quite extensive and disgusting, just like what he’s been doing since he broke up with me.

Which brings me to Point #4 and #5 about why sex outside of marriage is a bad idea: Sex creates a bond that can’t be completely broken, and the more partners you have, the weaker the bond. Both men I’ve been with have been a first, in their own ways. Alex didn’t have the same thing going on with me. Quite the opposite, in fact. But here’s the thing: doesn’t that disgust you? It physically makes me ill to think about people having many sexual partners in their lives (I define “many” as being over “5”). Statistically, it’s going to make them ill as well (check out the sickening STD stats if you don’t believe me).

Point #5 is that having sex with people just to fill a void never works. It might be a short-term solution, but in the end, you’re damaging both yourself and your partner in ways that you can’t even imagine.

In case you haven’t picked up throughout this blog, I’m writing about this all in past tense. Because that’s not who I am anymore. Statistically speaking, I will get married someday. And my husband won’t be the first man I’ve been with. It saddens me that I didn’t wait. But I can’t change the past, and I’ve accepted that. I can and have changed my course of direction though, and I absolutely will not be partaking in any kind of sex before my wedding night  from here on out (“here” started the day Alex broke up with me).

Ladies-if you’re casually sleeping around with a man right now, I highly encourage you to stop it. Even if you’re in a relationship, I encourage you to take a step back and look at the situation. You are worth so much more than what you’re settling for, and sex outside of marriage isn’t worth it at all. All you’re left with is “experiences” and broken hearts, which you get to carry around with you for the rest of your life.


2 responses to “Let’s Talk About Sex (Outside of Marriage)

  1. You made some very good points about casual sex. In fact I have a blog that is dedicated to showing women in a very honest way why casual sex is not the answer. I always say that sex is not the medication that will make your mind right, and I would know. God was able to use my experiences to start reaching women and I know He will use yours to help reach other women too. Great post.

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