Blessed

a humble princess, pursued by the King, in the greatest fairy tale ever written

Honesty

on September 26, 2013

I’ve always been an honest person. In fact, I have been sitting here for a long time thinking…and I can’t come up with a time where I said something I didn’t mean. Even in the heat of the moment-especially in the heat of the moment, when I’m angry or passionate about something, that’s when honesty really shows up. I’m brutally up front and honest with people (especially my friends) about what I think about any situation. 

From an outsider’s point of view, being an honest, trustworthy person is good…obviously. I have a lot of people & friends who routinely want to spend time with or talk to me, and a lot of times, we discuss relationship things. Considering the way in which every relationship or almost-relationship I’ve had has ended horribly, this baffles me. 

Sometimes I get a bit prideful thinking that somebody trusts me enough to tell me things they don’t want anyone else to know. But as flattering as it is to have all this information about people that nobody else knows, it’s also humbling. Even among my closest friends, I have to be very careful about what I talk about and what I make sure to keep confidential. It’s really humbling to think that some (as in multiple) people trust that they can talk to me about anything. 

There’s something about prayer, too. All my closest friends know that I pray for them often, and a lot of times I tell them what I specifically pray for, or we pray together. Jesus promises us in Matthew 18:20 that where two or three come together in His name, then He is with us. It’s a really powerful thing to be laying all our cares (both big and small) at the feet of Jesus. 

As honest as I am with people, I often find that I try to be someone different in front of God. I want to be more eloquent. More caring of others’ needs than my own. I try to always act like I’m okay with whatever God lays in front of me. A failed exam? No big deal, not the career I want anyway. Friend bails on me at the last minute? No big deal, that means I have time to myself to get things done. Etc. Even though as a human, that’s never how I really feel at all.

But I find that the best prayer times I have are when I explode. When I’m brought down to a place of immense pain and turmoil, and then I have to turn to God for comfort. And in these moments, I have to be honest with Him. It’s so wonderful when I’m on my knees (always) with tears rolling down my face (usually) and without thinking about trying to act like I’m fine, I come to Him with my cares, both big and small. He promises to care about them all. 

The thing is, I get hurt often in the same way… and for someone who’s never really wanted a boyfriend, I’m not sure how this keeps happening.  I think I’m doing everything better from one to the next, but they the next ends badly, too. Every guy I’m interested in (there have been 5, and I was in a relationship with 3 of them), I’ve approached the situation much differently than before. And yet, the same thing happens. 

Here’s what goes down: there’s a lot of talking & spending time with one another. (My last serious boyfriend and I lived together-we were always together. That’s not a situation I’ll ever repeat.) And whether this is for 2 weeks or a year, it ends the same way. They tell me nice things, they make statements that imply a future (whether near or far), we talk a lot. And then suddenly…nothing. They disappear.

My last boyfriend broke up with me completly out of the blue and never explained why, hasn’t spoken to me at all since. That was obviously rough for me-very traumatic. As an honest, sensitive person, I’m not kidding you when I say that it completely destroyed me (but then I came out of it a brand-new improved version). Changed me for life. I haven’t made a single new friend in the 6 months since the breakup because I’m scared to get close, to trust anyone, scared of getting hurt again. 

Recently,I met a guy and all of a sudden everything changed. It was such a big deal because I was interested in him (that never happens with me, normally I’m annoyed that they are interested in me…this one came along as 3-4 others were unsuccessfully pursuing me) and I tried so hard to suppress it, to stop anything before it started so that I wouldn’t get hurt again. But I failed (in my defense, my friends were all so excited and it rubbed off…)

So we talked for a while and spent some time together… in my honesty, I was careful to not mention anything beyond a few hours so as not to get anyone’s hopes up. He did no such thing and instead, new hope was brought to my life. Oh but how short-lived it was.

Because even though he took initiative and was being very obvious about being into me, he abruptly ended things before they even got started. But that didn’t really happen did it? Because even though I didn’t consider us to be dating or anything, he said the things. He made the statements that implied he’d be around through Christmas. But I haven’t heard from him since that day he said we’d be friends. 

And I just don’t know how to deal with it. First, this isn’t how any if my friends treat me. Once I’m a great while there’s a minor hurt, but they’ve NEVER abandoned me. Second, why was he so interested one day and then 7 hours later suddenly not want anything to do with me, even though we hadn’t talked in that time span? Why does it keep happening this way? It hurts so much when someone just walks out of my life, and cuts communication completely.

But the hurt leaves me in a position to prove that I do trust God in the dark places in life- that my faith can be tested but not destroyed. And I’m confident that every time a person hurts me, and in return, I don’t hurt them, I choose to live them instead, it leaves a mark on them. Everything will be resolved in time. I just have to trust Him to use everything for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28), which I certainly do.

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