a humble princess, pursued by the King, in the greatest fairy tale ever written

The thing about healing…

on February 8, 2014

Since I became a Christian by God’s call rather than by making my own choice/being raised that way/etc. (see Acts 9 for Paul’s conversion-mine was pretty much the same except in 2013 so it’s a “modern version”), it has created an interesting dichotomy between God and myself. I depended on God. I came to rely on God because I had to, because I had to read His Word and have some hope to hold onto. Jesus became the one thing I chased after and I let the Spirit fill my soul. And good things have happened in my life- I don’t regret for one second my decision to follow Christ. (Sometimes I think I wish I would have been a Christian sooner-but my story is really cool because of the pain and because of the tremendous healing and change in my life, and it’s always powerful to share it. So from that standpoint, I’m glad things worked the way they did. This song “What Scars Are For” by Mandisa pretty well sums it up:   )

The thing about going through a traumatic experience is that there’s always emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical scars. And just like with any wound that scabs over, if you pick at it, it bleeds- but it’s a little less every time… more on that later.

My life got really, really good around December 1 (not that it wasn’t “good” before because I am a blessed, spoiled brat and really the only bad thing that has ever happened in my life was a relationship ending out of the blue and having no idea it was coming…) and I’ve pretty much been coasting along on that since then. Everything is falling into place for me. So I’m at a stage where I don’t “need God” right now, but I want to make sure that I’m still bringing every concern before Him and especially that I am thanking Him for everything. Even if I’m not currently a mess, I need to keep spending time with Him because that’s how to keep from going down the path of destruction again. One verse that keeps popping up in my head a lot lately is James 1:17, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” (Everything about this verse is beautiful and for me, the part that really comforts me is that He does not change like that shadows. God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow and He is the same God who rescued me and turned my life around…)

I have been busy lately, I joined Bible studies Tuesday & Wednesday nights, in addition to still going to church Thursday nights and trying to make time for friends, exercise, personal free reading time (currently re-reading the “Harry Potter” series for the hundredth time), prayer time, etc in the midst of a 40-hour work week. I still spend my weekends 75 miles away at my parents where my animals still reside, for the time being. (One of the things that God has generously given me is an old farmhouse on an acreage where I can have any animals I want and an income that will allow for that kind of expense, so I’m super grateful about that in particular.) When I’m busy, something happens in my life that I think 99.9% of Christians face at some point in time-there’s so much “stuff” that there’s less room for the Spirit. So I’m praying to God in the mornings and I’m thanking Jesus for everything and then bam! I’m at work already and here I am concentrating on my job like I’m supposed to (Colossians 3:23-24) and by the time the day is over, I am drained. I’ve been trying to take a little time to pray over my lunch break, but with the weather constantly being 0 degrees Fahrenheit and being stuck inside all day every weekday, it can be difficult to feel “Spirit-filled.”

Last week, the 3 books I’m reading in my studies all focused on the Holy Spirit. Coincidence? Not so much. I haven’t been a Christian very long, but because it’s so important to me to make sure that I’m living right and “representing,” I really dove into studying the words of the Lord. So my life as a Christian has included spending quiet times in prayer- oftentimes Spirit-filled prayer, sitting quietly and listening for God, taking the time to draw strength from Him, and worship. But since I haven’t “needed God” lately, I knew in my heart that I wasn’t asking for the Spirit as much, and I could feel it, but I didn’t know exactly what to do about it. Or maybe I just underestimated how important it is to have that part of God inside my heart. So I explained to Him that I was sorry about neglecting time with the Spirit but that I just didn’t know how to “get back into it.”

And then that scar I bear got picked at. I didn’t do the picking, exactly-I didn’t cause it, but I participated, I let it get to me. In the 3 seconds it takes to make a decision, instead of choosing to run, I chose to ponder. And all of a sudden thoughts and unanswered questions that I had laid to rest started popping back up, and I caught myself pondering these things I can’t control several times in the past week. So many unanswered questions that I want to know-but yet, at the same time, I’m oddly content not knowing. And that’s because I’ve rejuvenated my faith in Christ again. I don’t want to go back there to the place where I once was and that life I once lived, and Satan is just fighting as hard as he can-especially at night and in my dreams. I can’t spend my life dwelling on questions that may never be answered, and I can’t just block this person from my mind when I know in my heart that I am called to love unconditionally and to bless my enemies. So from an earthly standpoint, healing and forgetting about him was wonderful. But from a Christian standpoint, I have to refocus my efforts on making sure to pray for everyone, not just for my friends.

These little and big challenges that come along are so great because they really help re-direct my focus. In a perfect world, my focus would always be on godly things and I would never get distracted. But until He calls me home, I’m living as a broken person in a broken, sinful, distracted world. And the thing about healing is that in this world, it will never be complete. But Revelation 7 tells us, among other things, that in heaven, healing will be complete. There will be no more hunger, no more suffering. We will spend all of our time worshipping the King-there won’t be any sin, there won’t be any distractions. And just like what I’m already experiencing here on earth, “God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.” He’s the only One my heart seeks and it’s so good to be reminded and called out when I’m not living quite like I should.


One response to “The thing about healing…

  1. Hilary says:

    Proverbs 3:24. ‘When you lie down you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.’ This verse was shared in my bible study last night, we were talking about nightmares. Apparently, Satan has been targeting dreams lately. But our God is bigger. Thanks for sharing about your struggles.

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