Blessed

a humble princess, pursued by the King, in the greatest fairy tale ever written

Conviction

on March 13, 2014

Convictions. If you like the feeling… maybe you’re feeling the wrong thing.

Just kidding. Convictions are great. And they feel great…once you realize what’s going on. 

A conviction is often a painful thing – at least for me. Last night I lost a lot of sleep, and that’s not ideal for someone who runs around as much as I do; sleep is precious and I don’t get enough, even when I fall asleep immediately. Last night I tossed and turned, plagued by something. 

It was sudden, and it was powerful. You see, I was having flashbacks – very powerful memories with feelings attached. It’s like I was travelling through this particular time in my life in fast-forward, and it’s absolutely not a time I want to revisit…ever. If I’m not mistaken, that’s a large part of what hell is supposed to be: people will be tormented day and night, inside their very souls.

I should probably back up to the “beginning” of the story, which we all know isn’t the true beginning anyway. 

Last April, someone wronged me. This person hurt me very, very badly, and he was merciless in the process. I’ll probably never know why, though I have come to regard it as a blessing. Because that’s what brought me, crying and very much humbled, to Jesus’s feet, where my new and very awesome life began. 

A lot of time passed before I accepted that this person and I would not be friends, and that I would have to just live my life and be content not understanding what happened, or why. Although, to quote a very helpful Bible verse (I don’t think I’m misusing it in this case by quoting just a single verse), “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” -Jesus (John 13:7). Someday I will understand, and right now I just have to trust and have faith in the One who died for me. 

It happened overnight. One day, I was soft-hearted and forgiving, and the very next day, I closed my heart to this person. 

And that’s when he started following me around-or whatever he’s doing.(I refuse to find out, because I’m content not understanding.)

And I’m bitter.  I refuse to have any contact whatsoever – he shows up, I leave. How dare he even lay his eyes on me! (Two very simple words would change how I feel, but of course I’m not holding out for that –  I can only control myself, not him.) 

And I see this as progress. And my friends are always on my side –  we all know that I’m simply protecting myself. 

But it goes so much deeper. I’ve let unforgiveness take over, I’ve let bitterness creep up. I’ve taken someone God created and turned him into Satan himself. 

I have a friend interceding for me, though. I have one lone friend, praying for him and feeling pity for this cruel, cruel being. So that makes it okay right? I can be bitter – it’s totally justified and deserved – and it’s not that bad, because she’s still praying for his soul!

I believe God looks down at me and shakes His head in sadness… very often. And I think He’s saving me from myself, but it’s a very excruciating process. So I lost sleep last night. Because out of the blue, there I was, in all the good memories I’ve been blocking for the past 6 months. 

And I remembered how Sirius Black explains to Harry that there’s good and bad in all of us…and how true that is. 

At first I had no idea what was going on, and I was mad at myself for letting these memories come about. But as I tossed and turned and cried, I realized that maybe it was God showing me something. 

This time, I had done it. A Jesus follower isn’t supposed to be bitter. In fact, I am called to love my enemies, and to do good to those who wrong me. For me, that means I have to actively forgive. Maybe this will be something I carry for the rest of my life. And it’s up to me to actively seek a forgiving heart every day. 

NOwhere in God’s Word does it say that bitterness is an okay thing. But forgiveness and love are all over. And even if the bitterness and hatred makes me feel better, I still know it’s wrong. So for the rest of Lent, I’m giving up hatred.

Just kidding. I’m trying to give up hatred for the rest of my life. (Let’s call a spade a spade: I don’t have a problem with hatred, normally. This is just one person out of six billion. Let’s call it selective hatred…it might be even worse.) God showed me my hypocrisy, and it made me sick. Now it’s time for me to live out what I’ve learned and to make sure that not just every word from my mouth, but every thought in my heart, also, is God-honoring. 

 

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